Touché Stars: Humans Don't Like Horrible Fanfictions
by Section 3
Summary: - Mass effect / lok / halo / warhammer crossover - To express my hate of the rampant clichés present in most halo and mass effect crossovers, I have decided to stick so many clichés in one story, that it becomes insane. Enter insanity. The inspiration for this story came from 'Korra doesn't like Fanfiction', by I'mNotGoodAtThis. (P.S., he is).
1. Chapter 1

**So, to express my hate of the rampant clichés present in most halo and mass effect crossovers, I have decided to stick so many clichés in one story, that it becomes insane. Enter my reality. (and I am just going to skip over all of the boring shit in the beginning, unless I get enough requests to ****write it. I want some feedback for how I should make this even weirder.) Also, the Infinity is not going to fare the same as in other stories.**

* * *

**UNSC Codex (Will be updated):**

**Arcturus Station:**

**After the UNSC Infinity was damaged beyond repair at the battle of Shanxi in 2583, Admiral Thomas Lasky saw to it that his former flagship got a proper memorial. To spite the council, the UNSC HIGHCOM had seen to it that the infinity would become the core module of what is now known as Arcturus Station. Towed into place over Mars by one of the then-new Autumn class heavy cruisers, the formerly five kilometer long capital ship was turned into a living monument to the UNSC's multiculturalism and lack of xenophobia, capitalized by the "Quarian" and "Krogan" thirds of the station, with the human and Sangheili third housing the massive refit and repair dock. The station now spans over 50 kilometers in length and boasts a hefty, albeit classified, assortment of defensive systems along with a standard complement of 2000 Spartan V super soldiers, soldiers created as perfect flash clones of the legendary John-117. It is even rumored that the station is partially constructed from the remains of the Mantle's Approach, and some conspiracy theorists have claimed that the forerunner systems may be causing the station's smart AI's to descend into rampancy faster…**

* * *

**Timeline: (will be updated)**

**2580: The UNSC discovers mass relays, with the now-captured Catherine Halsey remarking that they seem to carry a distinctly precursor design. When questioned by the captain of the research vessel **_**Swift Ascension**_**, she cryptically remarked that Jul' Mdama may have been insane, but after his scouts had come back from one of these constructs, he had declared these relays as off-limits. **

**2581: Marilyn Suzuki, a decorated officer and perfect student from Grissom Academy, heads the effort to unlock these mysterious relays. As UNSC medical technology continued to advanced, aging had become all but a number, and the decorated Master Chief himself was put in charge of all possible boarding actions resulting from a first contact gone bad. The UNSC science team was quickly able to activate the relay, and they were transported to a garden world which was quickly christened Shanxi. The UNSC quickly colonized the planet, and started to utilize the relay network to discover more planets.**

**2582: A council fleet led by General Desolas discovers an UNSC scientific fleet attempting to activate a dormant primary relay. After his younger brother heads a frigate wolf pack and, against his explicit orders, opens fire on the human vessels, the humans retreat after losing two vessels. Ignoring the chance for technological salvage and breaking his military protocol, the general pursues the humans through the relay, arrogantly assuming that the vessels were part of a new spacefaring race that was ripe for the taking.**

**2583: When the Turian invasion force with hundreds of dreadnaughts arrives over the colony of Shanxi, a desperate battle ensues. The two **_**Bitfrost **_**class destroyers defending the colony manage to destroy over 80 Turian dreadnaughts and countless support ships, but are doomed to destruction. The army units on the colony manage to hold off the invaders until the relief fleet, led by the **_**Infinity**_** herself, arrives. The ensuing battle resulted in many casualties for both sides, including the loss of the **_**Infinity**_**, but the UNSC fleet successfully repelled the council invasion.**

**2584: In an unprecedented show of force, the UNSC sends a fleet composed not just of their own ships, but two neo covenant CAS Class Supercarriers. The council unsuccessfully tries to absorb the UNSC, but trade and travel are made possible between the two powers due to treaties being promptly signed. **

**2585: When the UNSC prowler Red Horse discovers the Quarians, ONI initially attempts to experiment on boosting Quarian immune systems through controlled exposures of flood super cells, but soon lose control of the flood strains. After Kilo 5 "cleanses" all affected quarian vessels, the unsc officially approaches the Quarian Admirality Board. A treaty is quickly signed on board the **_**Infinity's **_**sister ship, the **_**Horowitz**_**, and the Quarians begin to enjoy the benefits of UNSC medicine. When Quarians gain a strong enough immune system from human medicine to a point where they do not need environmental suits, the Quarian Admirality Board and UEG parliament, run by a Russian ex-ONI agent, unanimously vote to merge, and also gives the Quarian people a third of Arcturus Station.**

**2595: UNSC xenotologists and representatives from Misriah Armory meet the Clan leader Urdnot Wrex in a secret room in the Citadael, successfully convincing him to take control of Tuchanka in exchange for UNSC terraforming and weapons technology. Wrex soon fulfills his end of the deal, and the Krogan are, within months, able to build NOVA bombs and Stalwart class cruisers. Urdnot Wrex officially agrees to an alliance with the UNSC and gains a third of the space available on Arcturus Station for the Krogan people. **

**2600: Construction of Arcturus Station begins when the husk of the **_**Infinity**_** is towed into place by an overhauled Autumn Class Heavy Cruiser. **

**2640: ONI initiates the Spartan V program using the Master Chief's DNA and reverse- engineered forerunner cloning technology.**

**2640: Arcturus Station is completed.**

* * *

**Modern Day**

**Arcturus Station**

**VADM Stanforth**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2656**

50 years. 50 fucking years. That's how long I waited to get ONI to execute Serin and replace her with the ever righteous Admiral Thrawn. Of course, the UNSC had peacefully integrated and absorbed the Quarians, uplifted the Krogan, and even kicked the ass of the council when they sent their invasion fleet to Shanxi with the help of our best friends, the neo covenant, who had also conveniently forgotten about kilo-5.

When it came to vacuum combat, Mass effect cannons couldn't even hope to compete with 600 ton tungsten round hurtling at .60 c, not to mention advanced forerunner shielding tech and the new ultra-MAC cannons they had built into their capital ships.

Who am I kidding? NONE of this shit makes sense. Why would the UNSC, a historically selfish and shortsighted organization, peacefully assimilate an alien race of vagrants and uplift a group of genocidal reptiles? I would never get how the heads of some fanfiction writers were scrambled to that degree, but at least there weren't any obvious stereotypes that affected me yet. (We'll fix that soon) Hell, I don't understand half of the physics of space combat, but I still made Vice Admiral. If I can do that, I have no doubt that even stranger events can occur.

Hell… "Sir"...

"Oh, hello John 118. Why did you feel the need to pop in at FUCKING MIDNIGHT?".

"John 119 is being a whiny bitch again. Can I shoot him with my spartan Laser?".

_Sigh…_ Out of all the damned jobs I could have taken after the invasion of Shanxi, I had to ask for this. Mentoring Spartans had been described as a honor, even an educational experience, but I had never expected this level of immaturity. I could expect it from Michael J. Caboose, but not clones of the damned Master Chief himself.

Damn the Forerunners for their flawed cloning technology. Damn the Librarian for letting humans use Forerunner Technology. Damn ONI for dumping their problems on unsuspecting individuals. Damn the Legend of Korra for only being four seasons long. Damn…

"Uh… sir".

"Get the fuck out of my office. DOUBLE TIME!".

As the Spartan who was supposed to lead all of the other insufferable clones rushed out, I pulled out my own bottle of Bacardi 151. Technically against regulations, but who ever followed those rules? Pouring myself a generous cup of alcohol, I slumped in my chair. Having to lead these clones feels like being raped by a zucchini wielded by Korra. I feel sorry for Amon...

Thank god it'll be over in a few decades…

Wait, Forerunner medical technology means that every member of the UNSC is technically biologically immortal.

Well, _shit_…


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry about the lack of comedy in the previous chapter, and it is also due to my relative inexperience writing fanfictions. As I am currently busy, I decided to release the first part of chapter 2, and I will try to add more comedy as time goes on.**

**Also, I'd like to clarify how the story is structured. The first strain was in chapter one, the second strain is in chapter two, and future strains are still tbd with all of them possibly tying together in the end.**

* * *

**HIGHCOM BRAVO 6**

**Sydney, Australia**

**John-117**

**UNSC military calendar 2656**

John knew that he was a walking testament to the superior technological and physiological prowess of the human race, a vanguard of force against the damned council. Of course, he couldn't forget about his trusty assistant, Cortana.

"Chief?".

"Yeah?".

"Why did you come back for me in the middle of a long-forgotten Forerunner flood research station?".

"Well.. (_cough_) I felt incomplete without you, and decided to steal an experimental fighter jet to go and save you."

"I'm inside your fucking neural lace. Now then, honestly, why did you come back?"

"hehe… urm… the fanfiction author demanded it…".

"WHAT".

"I mean, how else could you have become metastable and survived a malfunctioning Forerunner slipspace drive? Be glad you weren't paired in a romance story with (_shivers_) a sangheili."

"What…".

"All I can say is, cognac is a hell of a drink.".

Cortana, who was very pissed off at this point, decided to dump some nightmares from her trip into the past…

"Chief"…

"What?"

"I was wondering… I recovered a few documents from a random website called (not allowed to post anything resembling a website) from the data banks of Guilty Sparks on Installation 04… would you _kindly_ review them for me?"

"I don't know…"

"That wasn't a request, Chief"…

"Fine."

John suddenly felt a cool current in his head as countless zetabytes of info spiraled through his vision.

"I think I'll read… _this_."

Cortana suppressed a chuckle. This was going better than planned.

"Good first choice".

"Okay… wait… what the… WHAT! I BECOME AN ALCOHALIC AND MURDER MY NEIGHBOR!"

"Calm down chief, just a bad apple out of countless good ones. Now, let's choose… _oohh_".

"What?"

"You're going to love this one…"

"Flomu… What the… HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THIS SHIT!"

"Admit it, you always had a thing for the gravemind."

"No, but…"

As he read more and more, he felt like his stomach wanted to jump out. It started out well enough, with John effortlessly cutting through countless infection forms, then he suddenly found himself in the clutches of the gravemind. As the gravemind strangled him, the author went into detail about… _?tentacle rape?_... and he barely kept his lunch from coming up when he got to the part where they started to suck on infection forms… damn. Fanfiction writers are perverts.

"Chief, do you want to go to something called… _Gyre Widens_?"

"Cortana, I already read it and…"

"And _what_ chief?"

"Guilty Sparks was a fucking pervert."

"Don't underestimate the strangeness of ancient humans. Hell, did you see Forthencho's battle uniform?"

"**Don't remind me**".

Just then, Chief heard a strange buzzing sound characteristic to Forerunner anti-gravity devices. He quickly turned to the source and nearly fainted.

"Hello, reclaimer. Or should I say, _reclaimers_."

Master Chief quickly snapped out of his trance, and then nearly shouted out, "How the hell did you get into an armory in Bravo 6? And how did you even survive an overcharged spartan laser shot?"

"ONI decided to let me float around here after I gave them access to installation 07."

Master Chief then exclaimed, "Why the hell do you have so many perverted and twisted fanfictions stuck in your head?"

"Well, ere, you see, I needed to learn more about reclaimer anatomy in order to assist…"

"Assist? You call sending the equivalent of Forerunner Roombas then having them betray me when I found the index 'assistance'?"

"Theoretically. I should have never bundled my entertainment with the index. I always thought no-one could ever steal such an integral part of my installation."

"Not happy that you tried to delete me, bitch."

"Protocol is protocol. Your Admiral Preston Cole could attest to that."

"You know what, what about we talk about Forthencho's alcoholism?"

"Cortana, I actually agree with you."

"Why must you reclaimers talk about my former life's addiction to intoxicating beverages…"

John-117 remarked, "Damn, I'm going to just take a little stroll through s-floor before I feel the need to throw you into a reverse timelock. Maybe I could compose some fanfiction writers while I'm at it."

Cortana smirked, "Really? I wouldn't want my Riemen Cortex to interact with the resulting AI's in a thousand years."

Buck remarked, "Hell, even Miss Office Of Naval Intelligence probably wouldn't."

Everyone else in the room stared at Buck and Dare…

"I'm a fucking supersoldier. How did I not pick up you two walking into this room."

Buck said, "Beats me. Plot armor?"

* * *

**Two hours later…**

**John-117**

**Inside Private quarters**

HAHAHH! DID THE PRECURSORS THINK THEY COULD BREAK THE IMMORTAL MASTER CHIEF. WELL, THOSE ARROGANT ASSHOLES WERE WRONG! ALL THEY DID WAS STEEL MY RESOLVE. READING MORE OF THESE FANFICS DIDN'T BREAK ME, BUT ONLY STRENGTHENED MY TOLERANCE!

God… I think that flomu fic broke something inside my head... I'LL SHOW THOSE TRANSCENDENT BASTARDS!

There was a light tapping on the door.

As I slowly turned around, the asbestos white door creaked open.

"Chief…"

"So you're the damned author of this story. WHY DID YOU EXPOSE ME TO THIS WARP SPAWN! HELL, I THINK I JUST SIGNED UP JUN AND CARTER AS 'ESCORTS'. YOU TURNED ME INTO A GODDAMN PIMP!"

"Actually, I didn't write that…"

"Oh, er…"

"Back on topic, realize that this is just the beginning."

"How could this be 'just the beginning'?"

"You'll see".

"What? Wait, don't run away! Come back!"

As the author vanished into thin air, I got out my bottle of everclear, and then drank the whole darn thing. My tolerance to rubbing alcohol had already grown, and I had been left with no other choice.

Now, I'm completely dependent on an incompetent author to write a deus ex machinima. Damn it.


	3. Chapter 3: Serious Business

**MAJOR REWRITE IS COMPLETE.**

**Yes, a flashback chapter… and I'll explain how Colonel Ackerson is still alive later on. Enjoy the glorious destruction of the UNSC Infinity, the height of human achievement. Yeah, I'm taking a potshot at 343. (There's plenty more Ackersons to go around) This chapter is a bit more serious, but I also wanted to show that the Infinity is not invincible. Not by a long shot. **

* * *

**82 years ago**

**UNSC Infinity**

**Captain James Ackerson, First officer Stanforth**

**UNSC military calendar 2583**

"Two minutes until we exit slipspace, Captain Ackerson."

He spat back, "Thank you, Roland. Now, watch the damned ship or else I'll have you decompiled."

"Very well."

Roland could only guess what had caused Captain Lasky to nominate Colonel Ackerson, of all the potential candidates, to the position of captain. He could only think of one plausible conclusion, and it reeked of political and personal intrigue. Or, ONI could just be repossessing their former property...

"Plot an exit vector to crash through the largest cluster of dreadnoughts."

"Captain, without info on the composition of the armor that these alien vessels use, we can't safely guess how many ships the frontal shield generator can plow through before collapsing. Not to mention the damage the mainframe of the ship would take from having to hold the shield generators in place."

"Shut up you smart alec. If I was still an ONI agent, I would have you decompiled right now, so plot the fucking exit vector… maybe I could utter Catherine's magic override command?"

The room suddenly became colder, and Roland said, "Okay, but the only reason I haven't vented the bridge into the vacuum yet is for the well-being of the other bridge personnel."

"Exiting slipspace in 3…"

"This is the captain speaking, all hands, brace for realspace transition."

Predicting the captain's actions through his behavior in previous deployments, the whole ship had already been secured by the paranoid crew.

"2… 1… now."

There was a great rumbling of trans-dimensional energy being expelled as the ship exited the slipspace portal, and the crews of the Turian dreadnought pack only had seconds to register their final moments as the Infinity effortlessly plowed through dozens of destroyers and even dreadnoughts. When the Infinity was clear from the debris field, Roland prattled off the ship's status, "Frontal shields at 20.2 % plasma cohesion, frontal structural bearings at 82 % structural strength, engines at full efficiency, and reactor at full efficiency. Not as bad as I feared, but not good for being stuck in the middle of hundreds of alien dreadnoughts."

"Are the Howler and Archer pods primed?"

"Yes sir, all pods are armed and their systems report as green in status. How did the UNSC afford all of these missiles again?"

"Good, target as many alien dreadnoughts as you can, and try to spread the missiles evenly. Tell Lieutenant Marilyn Suzuki that here frigates are cleared for launch, and to fuck these aliens up like she did to all of her eight ex-husbands."

"Copy, frigates are clear, sir. 20 Turian dreadnoughts down. Are their shields made of paper?"

Ignoring the AI's incessant ramblings, the Captain shouted, "First officer Stanforth. Coordinate with the remaining ships in slipspace and order them to plot exit vectors through those alien cruiser packs. "

Stanforth curtly acknowledged the captain and started issuing his own orders, "This is First officer Stanforth. All ships still in slipspace, plot exit vectors through alien cruiser packs."

"Infinity, this is Admiral Harper. Battle fleet acknowledges."

Roland asked, "Orders, Captain Ackerson?"

"Prioritize clearing a corridor for the support ships to land troops onto Shanxi. Use of MAC cannons and the energy projector is now authorized."

"Yes sir… MAC capacitors are at 100 % charge, but dropping… sir, somethings not right."

"What is it, Roland?"

"Our engines are reporting deficient levels of vacuum energy."

"How is that even fucking possible?"

"My theory is that whatever form of ftl these aliens are using, it's causing hell in every trans-dimensional plane within a certain vicinity of the ship after they exit ftl, possibly due to some sort of dark energy. As our engines collect energy from pocket dimensions, as all Forerunner energy is collected, the dimensional rift could make the connection between the engine and its pocket dimension unstable. My proof is that the engine warnings coincided with the sudden appearance of a few alien dreadnoughts."

"Then why are none of our other vessels being affected?"

"That's because all of our other vessels not in the Infinity Class use normal thermal fusion engines and are equipped with normal fusion generators."

"What is the efficiency of our engines?"

"Engines are reporting 20 % efficiency. Acceleration is now crippled."

"Reverse engines?"

"Same story. If we gain too much forward velocity towards the planet or any large stellar body, we may be unable to decelerate in time."

"Divert power from our energy projector and shields to power the engines. I wanted us out of this dreadnought pack yesterday."

"Yes sir, Captain."

As the ship started to accelerate towards the edge of the solar system, their shields were mercilessly pounded. The Turians were in for a hell of a surprise.

"Roland, contact Admiral Harper and tell him to get the attention of the pursuing dreadnoughts with his flagship. We're going to need a clear shot for this."

"I just did… and he told me that his flagship is already heavily damaged from having destroyed over 60 alien capital ships. Diverting his attention from his current engagements could let the enemy overwhelm his ship's defenses."

"Does he have any other available assets?"

"SATCOM is indicating that all of our vessels are either engaging the enemy or venting atmosphere."

"What do you mean 'venting atmosphere?'"

"It means they are dead in the water. Damaged beyond repair."

"Roland, do we still have that stealth modified NOVA bomb inside hangar 1A?"

"Yes, and... oh no you don't. using that could mean the destruction of both this vessel and even Shanxi if we misplace it."

"Roland... not using that ace could let the aliens overwhelm our relief fleet and result in the loss of Shanxi."

Roland winced, "Two more Autumn class cruisers venting atmosphere. Their power grids are fluctuating."

"Roland, this is our last chance..."

"Fine. What do you suggest we do?"

"Since those damn aliens are parked at Lagrange point L1, I'm thinking that we could try out our new cloaking generator and sneak up on them from the other side of the planet. Dial the nuke back to 0.6 petatons, plant it in the center of the alien ships, and detonate it."

"Captain, may I remind you that our impulse engines are severely crippled whenever the enemy uses their form of ftl? We may have to use emergency thrusters to come in at the correct trajectory, but that would most certainly blow our cover."

"Then we go as far as we can before detonating that NOVA to prevent those aliens from overwhelming us. Even the infinity can't handle over 200 alien capital ships on her own, especially if our engines are crippled."

Roland had to admit, this could be their only option at this point in order to save both the planet and repel the alien invasion, "Very well, captain. First officer Stanforth, do you agree to this rather insane plan?"

"I approve."

Roland then said, "No turning back now. Cloak is active, and hangar 1A is already being cleared for depressurization. I doubt the Infinity will escape most of the explosion, especially if we have to redirect power to shields to prevent hundreds of alien MAC cannons from shredding us to pieces."

As the ship lurched forwards, Stanforth keyed the rest of the battle fleet, "Admiral Harper, have your whole entire battle group prepare for an emergency slipspace jump to the relay in exactly 20 seconds, and smash the alien bastards if they try to escape. The Infinity won't be joining you, especially because we need the power from the slipspace drives to deploy the 'contingency device'."

"Copy, and Infinity, good luck."

The seconds slogged by, until...

"Emergency thrusters deployed! Enemy units have detected our vessel, and splinter groups are vectoring for intercept."

Captain Ackerson asked, "How long until NOVA deployment?"

"Captain, I estimate in 2... 1... deployment. Sir, it appears that the same phenomena is affecting our forerunner enhanced fusion reactor, and it's being exacerbated by the enemy wolf packs jumping into our vicinity. Our shields are at 8.9 % and dropping, on all generator clusters. We won't have enough power for an emergency slipspace jump... Brace for detonation in 2... 1..."

The whole ship was shaken and thrown at an unusual angle as if Thor or even Zeus himself had been pissed about seeing a block of titanium A3 drifting through the void. Thankfully, the detonation had wiped out the majority of the alien vessels, and the ionosphere of Shanxi could absorb the brunt of the blast energy, but the Infinity was not so lucky. The height of human achievement was definitely not designed with the goal of surviving a near point blank NOVA blast in mind, and that was why the bridge crew counted their blessings that they were still alive. Roland, however, knew that most of the ship hadn't fared as well as the bridge.

"Captain, I'm getting KIA and MIA reports all over the ship, heavy casualties on most of the decks, 2 sections of structural bearings are completely sheered, all shield generators slagged, lead foil layers are stripped away from most of the hull..."

"Wait, did you say the lead foil layers are gone?"

"Yes sir. The NOVA bomb just blew it right off, and crippled most of the armor and structural systems at the same time. If the crew does not abandon ship soon, everyone will be subjected to fatal doses of stellar radiation."

Stanforth said, "Look on the bright side, captain. Admiral Harper has reported that all alien vessels are destroyed."

Ackerson said, "Good for him, but how am I going to explain the loss of the Infinity to Serin Osman?"

Roland commented, "I don't know, but it seems like the ship really is finished. If I even try to fire the engines or emergency thrusters, the ship is going to crumple up like an aluminum can. The superstructure is now jello."

As the crew of the infinity hurried to board the pelicans and albatross drop ships, they couldn't help but feel that they had just let humanity itself down with the loss of the Infinity...


	4. Chapter 4: John's Insanity

**Master Chief + Kelly.**

**So, who wants to Jelly?**

**Also, beta reading will commence from chapter 5.**

**Time get the humor back on. :) :)**

* * *

**Two years in the future**

**Cairo Station**

**John-117, Kelly-087**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2658**

Was it morning... or was it…

"Chief! You have a press conference with Kelly in 20 minutes. Why do you look like shit… damn it! I told you to stop drinking moonshine!"

"You're not the fucking boss of me, bitch. Plus, Kurt had a discount at his bootlegging operation."

"Kurt's… never mind. Just try not to move too much while I filter the poison from your blood."

"Fine, sissy. I bet you couldn't stomach any alcohol even if you were human."

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Fanfictions happened. Okay, I think I feel sober enough to go to the damn conference."

"Fine."

"Jun and Carter, accompany me."

Jun and Carter both said in a single, monotonous voice, "Of course, sir."

"Call me… Commander John."

"Yes, Commander John."

Cortana remarked, "I thought you promised to make them return to their normal lives, not brainwash them with neural implants and turn them into prostitutes!"

John smirked, "I prefer the term 'male escorts'. It sounds more elegant. Plus, they bring in good money, 'cause my booze doesn't come cheap, you know."

"And I bet that booze destroyed your thyroid's catalytic implant."

"Sure did. That's also why I wanted this press conference with Kelly."

"You wouldn't…"

"Yes, I would. You wouldn't know what being human feels like, so pray to Slaneesh all you want, but the damn author won't grant you a real body."

"Just… just get this conference over with. I'm done talking with you for today."

"Suits me just fine."

* * *

**20 minutes later**

**Cairo Station**

**John-117, Kelly-087**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2658**

A press reporter screeched, "Master Chief, what are your plans for the future?"

Lord Hood said through the MJOLNIR's com unit, "Remember the drill, Chief, or else ONI Section II is going to have both of our asses on a platter."

"No problemo, Hood my man. I got this covered."

"You better. And if they ask about your… conduct for the past two years, promise that it's all in the past, and that a new beginning will…" _–zap_

Master Chief shut off his MJOLNIR com link with Hood and interfaced with the microphone, "Ah yes, the future… I could go on a righteous journey of vengeance with commander John Shepard on the Normandy to hunt down the Reapers or keep up my 'peacekeeping activities'. Hell, I could even do both at the same time. I've got no commitments."

A reporter from Galaxy News asked, "Can you tell us anything about the… disquieting… rumors circulating about your conduct?"

John exclaimed, "Conduct?", he stretched out his arms, "Conduct? I'm the fucking Master Chief. Not even a NOVA could finish me with my plot armor. Shout out to the fanfic writer."

As most of the reporters returned his comment with blank stares, one particularly bold individual asked, "Master Chief, are the rumors about your two… prostitutes… true?"

Master Chief momentarily snapped his two 'escorts' a glance, "These two hombres? They represent my cash flow, my perfectly clear mental state, and my entrepreneurial spirit. And call them 'escorts'. Just a bit more classy."

Looking at the controller booth at the top left of the station, he could see the faces of both Admiral Hood and Admiral Thrawn from ONI growing beet red. Not that he cared about their anger.

John exclaimed, "But all of these useless questions aside, that's not the real reason why I called this meeting. The real reason I even bothered to show up," he stood up, slowly turning to face Kelly, "Is to confess my long contained love for Kelly. And I intend on asking her out right now. In public."

This drew a collective gasp from the assembled reporters, and he could see Admiral Hood fainting inside his booth, caught by Admiral Thrawn at the last minute. How _romantic_.

Even behind her polarized helmet, John could already feel the intense hatred and anger Kelly irradiated at him. He knew he deserved it, but he didn't care.

John continued, "Kelly," he seductively removed her helmet, "I love you."

Just as he was going in for the kiss, he found his lips not on Kelly's lips, but on the end of her magnum.

John smirked, "Oh yeah, and in case I don't make it out of this alive, my 'male escorts' have all services for half price until the end of this month. Hope this went out on live TV."

Kelly pulled John up by his temple, then growled, "If you ever try that again, it'll be the last thing you'll ever try in your insufferable life."

As he was thrown halfway across the room by Kelly, he put his helmet back on and exclaimed, "I'll get you someday! I just have to keep trying!"

"In your dreams, ass wipe!"

"I'll take that as a complement", said John, as he quickly got off the floor.

He thought, "Well, that didn't work out as well as I hoped. I need to formulate a new plan while doing some partying with my cash over at Venezia… Moa steak and large brute-run volcanic resorts, here I come!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Some weird character development for chapter 6.**

**And time for Spartan Hell, also known as an abandoned storyline.**

**Shout out: Thanks to Fade Maybe, this chapter is beta read and improved. Check out his story, "The Reclamation has begun".**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter. Marilyn Suzuki (aka 'Mary Sue') will be the focus for a little while after this chapter.**

* * *

**2 days later**

**Venezia**

**John-117**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2658**

"That was the weirdest fucking Slip Space jump I've ever been on… I knew I shouldn't have gone cheap with Ryan Spacelines. Those flight attendants were jerks."

Cortana chirped, "Hey, look on the bright side. At least we got to see all of those annoying 'flight attendants' get eaten by Todash Space aliens. Heck, I actually enjoyed meeting Kyle-091, and the salted peanuts were okay. I mean, you enjoyed them... right?"

John mused about his unusual, okay, insane journey through a universe where forerunners were but evolved humans and there was an insane covenant remnant capable of whipping out a forerunner slipspace cannon.

"Wait, how does a half-forerunner pass as a human, especially during medical examinations…?"

Cortana whispered, "…Plot armor…?"

"If that's the case, I wanna be half Forerunner. Imagine all of the awesome mystic abilities I could gain."

"Chief, remember that the Forerunners in our dimension can only go Cthulu with constraint field generators."

"Whatever. Is Kelly-087 awake yet?"

"Wait, you had to kidnap Kelly after that press conference?"

"Never doubt my ability to bribe bartenders. A bit of 'dating medicine' can do wonders."

As Cortana mused about how all of the remaining Spartans were now either drunkards or involved in illicit activities – or in some cases both – she reminded Chief, "Hey, how do you expect to land a fully-loaded commercial spaceship?"

Chief snickered, "I don't, but you should."

Cortana exclaimed, "What…?"

"Hey, Cortana, I'm just human."

As Cortana mused what type of an arrogant jackass John had become. She quickly familiarized herself with the controls, "We'll be landing in the forest clearing in eta 20 seconds. Please stow all loose items and tray tables. Thank you for flying Air Cortana, and we hope to see you all again shortly. If we survive, that is."

John whispered, "Are the passengers 'prepared'?"

"Yes, John. I interfaced with their neural implants, and they shouldn't remember a thing when we land."

"Good."

The descent could only be described as terrifying, with the turbulence as a result of the near 90-degree reentry angle along with a near hyper sonic descent speed. Fortunately, the formerly perfect genius Marilyn Suzuki had helped Professor Ellen Anders, recovered from the captured UNSC Spirit of Fire, reverse engineer forerunner alloys to be used across all of human space in limited quantities due to its expensive price. Unfortunately, John only yelled "YOLO" while getting high on evaporated moonshine, commenting that his accuracy increased when he was high. Not that he needed better weapons accuracy on Venezia.

As the large space plane landed in the remote forest clearing, John got out, only finding himself facing a large piece of metal with the words 'UNSC Ariadne' written next to a service number, "Well, I guess this isn't a good situation…"

"No, it isn't."

John turned around to find himself facing Staffan Sentzke, the infamous abomination from the deepest crevices of Karen Traviss's dark mind taped into a terrible plot more unbelievable than Fifty Shades of Grey. Good Lord, the siren was uglier than your limp dick. John hollered, "How the hell did you find me?"

"This," Staffan Sentzke said, as he pulled out a data tab with a series of co-ordinates written across it, "The fanfiction author provided me with the means to track you. Wouldn't be a good chapter without some bloodshed, eh?"

John savored the issue, realizing just how terrible of a story Karen Traviss had written. Heck, he could find more plot holes and contradictions than his aids infected step sister had in her rectum.

John remarked, "Talk about it. I was afraid this was going to turn into another political espionage fic…"

"Well, enough talking. Since I can't kill you with your nigh-indestructible plot armor, I'm going to order my captured battle cruiser not to glass this part of the planet, and you, my friend, are about to experience hell."

"What kind of hell…"

"You'll see… just do whatever you were planning on doing. I need to go on a lunch date with Naomi-010. She looks like a Spartan, but fanfic logic dictates that she is not my daughter, and that I must 'accidentally' coddle her."

As John watched the insurrectionist cell leader disappear into quite literally thin air, he reflected upon his perverted words and boisterously exclaimed, "Screw it, I'm going to go make some cash, tap some cards, and screw some Kig-Yar. Venezia, here I come!"

* * *

**(Relative Time) 20 years later**

**Venezia**

**John-117**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2658**

"Fuck this! Fuck this shit! I've been stuck in this nightmare for over two decades, repeating the same chapter of my life over and over again every day!"

At this point, John had become an expert of Venezia. He was able set up a drug cartel selling red dust, kill all of his competition, create multiple independent mercenary groups, and party at random casinos at the same time. Unfortunately, he realized that he was now… bored… and decided that he would rather be stuck in a high school fanfic than repeat this same day for the rest of eternity. Damned fanfic authors, unable to make up their minds and leaving their stories to rot… at least high school fanfics let you do something new every cycle that doesn't involve reapers and husks killing everyone.

And Kelly… well, she never woke up within the 24 hour period he was allotted. Nada.

But that's when fate graced him with a chance encounter…

He was at the luxury casino he would always get kicked out of; when he noticed a dealer was somehow different this time. He had always seen a short, stalky bald man running the table, but he instead saw a man who only looked to be about fifteen…

That's when it hit John.

It was him.

Walking over to the dealer's table, he grabbed the man by his collar, elbowed him in the ribs, and lifted him off the floor.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING! I'VE BEEN STUCK IN THIS DAMNED CHAPTER FOR OVER TWO DECADES! AND YOU TURN OUT NOT TO BE SICK, BUT ON HIATUS BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO GAMBLE IN VENEZIA!"

With his augmented hearing, John could already hear the piss slowly creeping down the man's pants.

The author sputtered, "I… I can explain…"

Master Chief said, "No, you don't have to."

The youngster visibly relaxed, believing that the Master Chief had forgiven his actions.

"Because I made up my mind. If you don't finish your new chapter, I'm going to put this thumb," Master Chief pointed his thumb up, "So hard up your ass, that you'll be pleading for the sweet, savory release of instantaneous death. Capeesh?"

Tensing, the author stammered, "Ca – Capeesh – m - man."

"Good."

Throwing the author into the table with a sickening crunch, he waltzed out of the casino. Turning up his suit's antique fm radio, he scanned the songs until… that couldn't be right. Well, screw logic. He started to hum that everything was 'gonna be alright', because he knew it would.


	6. Note: Legend of Korra Crossover

**This is completely random, but do you want me to include a section with a Legend of Korra crossover? I can develop the unusual Marilyn Suzuki more effectively through this method. Leave your feedback and suggestions in the reviews. I hope to see how Korra and the crew reacts to the 'changed' Master Chief and how Marilyn Suzuki will insult an even wider trans-dimensional author group. XD **


	7. Chapter 6: Korra Time

**What happens when the SR-1 Normandy crashes into another ship in slipspace? MASS EFFECT! (And why do you think I used the sr-1 instead of the sr-2. 'Evil laugh'.)**

**Also, prepare for some Garrami… (Get it? Garrus + Asami… Mako is going to have a field day. Also, Asami is going to have to get over her mental trauma first, like Korra at the end of season 1.) **

**Some cliches are about to crop into the avatar universe.**

**Sorry for the rather 'normal' chapter, but I need some kind of transition from setting to setting.**

**This chapter is subject to future editing - NEW SECTION ADDED BELOW**

**Also, the future is bright in this plot. Prepare to be thoroughly mindfucked.**

* * *

**20 minutes later**

**Venezia Wilderness, Spacecraft Landing Site**

**John-117**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2658**

As John dragged an unconscious Kelly with him to the commercial spaceship that Cortana had parked in the forest clearing, he could clearly see the silhouette of an ONI Section II agent standing at the entrance of the spaceship.

The agent shouted, "Chief, what the hell are you doing on Venezia? You and your irresponsible AI generated so much commotion, that my team had to euthanize dozens of reporters to keep this whole spaceship incident under wraps. I mean, it was for the greater good of humanity, of course…"

John casually smacked the agent like a doll to the ground, rendering her unconscious, and boarded the ship. It at least seemed that Cortana had made an effort to park the spaceship… at least more than the average women.

After John inserted the Cortana's hardlight chip into the ship's cockpit, he said, "Plot a course for earth… and get us there as quickly as possible."

As Cortana disengaged the slipspace core's safety systems, she smirked at her sureness that she could counter any anomalies in slipspace. Disregarding the slipspace budget, she plotted a linear course for earth… the exact path that military vesseles used in slipspace…

* * *

**Same Time**

**High orbit over Venezia**

**SR-1 Normandy**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2658**

As he manipulated the hardlight controls of the SR-1 Normandy, Joker thought of all of the good times he had with Commander John Shepard at the bar on the Citadel…

**-2 years ago -**

Joker said, "Shepard, this is when you take all your frustration, bottle it up, then bust – it all over my face – and body."

'Tango music starts'

Joker said, "Bust it. Bust it. Bust it, all over my body."

Shepard exclaimed, "Joker! That's Nasty."

Joker said, "Been taking lessons on the side. Got some bone implants in my legs. Just like I imagined."

'Scandalous moment'

'Collective gasp'

Suddenly, Joker started hearing, "Shepard, SHEPARD! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT RESPONDING TO AN ONI AGENT!"

Regretfully, Joker eased himself out of his luscious daydream, and picked up the com, "Who is this?"

The agent screamed, "I'M SPECIAL AGENT MARILYN SUZUKI OF ONI SECTION II, AND I NEED TO TALK TO WHOEVER IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS PHONE BEFORE I KILL THIS KITTEN IN MY HAND!"

"Meow"

Joker suddenly perked up, "Whoa there, what do you need special agent…"

"SUZUKI, MARILYN SUZUKI!" , taking a deep breath, Marilyn composed herself, "Since I know you're on the SR-1 Normandy, I want you, the pilot, to pilot your vessel on an intercept course with the vessel that has a thermal signature tracer on it. If you don't, then… _- ruffling noises - _THIS KITTEN WILL DIE!"

Starting to precipitate, Joker wiped his hands then replied, "Of c – course m – mam."

Marilyn shouted, "BITCH, MAKE IT SO! – zap-"

As Joker plotted the slipspace jump to intercept the tagged space ship, he felt confident knowing that no _normal_ AI would be insane enough to use the military slipspace lanes. He reckoned that he would have the ship disabled and force it to drop out of slipspace by getting ahead and dropping some of the new HORNET MKII mines in slipspace. Those poor bastards wouldn't stand a chance if they tried to outrun him on a civilian route.

Unfortunately for Joker and his crew, fate had something else in store…

* * *

**Same Time**

**200,000 km's out of Venezia**

**John-117**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2658**

As Cortana detected a military vessel in orbit moving to intercept, she prepared for an emergency jump. What agitated her was the inferiority of civilian sensor suites… because of it, she couldn't id the pursuing military vessel. Nevertheless, she punched the ship into slipspace, laughing as John, who didn't know about their plight, started to ingest a barrel of red dust. Soon, he was dazed and levitating with a biotic aurora…

But then… SCREECH. Cortana cursed as the ship started to shake violently, but she only froze when she realized what had happened… their ship had just collided with the pursuing military vessel, and… that couldn't be… no… it was the SR-1 Normandy. Stunned, she decided to exit slipspace just as the Normandy fell out due to taking serious damage. At least she could ask if her automated repair bots could offer any assistance. Just as they exited slipspace near earth, she could already sense something was wrong… but this time, earth was wrong. Instead of the usual array of continents, she saw a massive super continent, complete with the a semi-habitable northern and southern pole separated by a large ocean. Unfortunately, that wasn't what spooked her out the most… it was the massive antimatter and slipspace anomaly concentrations surrounding earth, telling her that something was aloof. Just then, she received a transmission from the Normandy, "This is Commander John Shepard, and you're gonna have hell to pay for this! After we land on 'Earth', or whatever it's called, at least. I'm half expecting to encounter spiritual biotic-like people on the planet. _- zap -_"

* * *

**Same Time**

**Super-Earth, Republic City**

**Asami Sato**

**Approximately Seven Decades since the end of the Hundred-Year War**

Asami exclaimed, "I can't believe Future Industries is doing so well! Ever since Varrick's public assets were seized and handed over to us for reimbursement, more clients than ever before are making deals with us! Heck, airplanes are starting to become a commodity, and Future Industries is the only company to offer one! We're even making some progress in sounding rockets!"

Mako said, "That's great…"

Asami asked, "Is there anything wrong?"

Mako said, "No… I thought I saw something in the sky, but it must have been my imagination. Let's go meet up with Korra and Bolin for that group trip to the Fire Nation Capital!"

As they hummed along in their Satomobile, they were oblivious to the two large, and damaged, vessels attempting to land near Republic City…

* * *

**Same Time**

**Super-Earth, Future Industries Sounding Rocket Development Complex**

**Marilyn Suzuki**

**Approximately Seven Decades since the end of the Hundred-Year War**

Marilyn Suzuki thought of herself as a fairly average individual. She was 5' 8", weighed 140 lbs, was fairly athletic, and had a perfect academic record to complement her enamoring aurora. Her friends also nicknamed her 'Mary Sue'. Not that she knew what that meant.

Of course, those credentials had certainly helped her get a position as one of Future Industry's top researchers. Her job was actually by a chance encounter...

**- 4 months ago -**

She was rather nervous, since her date was not a normal individual. Her date was the CEO of Future Industries and, to be blunt, quite a charming women...

That's when the doorbell rang. As she opened the door, she reveled at the beauty of Asami, who proceeded to enter the apartment.

Asami said, "So, do you want to, er, talk about our lives..."

Marilyn said, "Sure. I'll start: I was born in an Earth Nation city about 80 miles away from Republic City to two average parents. They saved their money while working two jobs each to send me to Republic College Prep School, which is a respected boarding school in this city. After I graduated as the top student of my class, I went on to study at Republic University to obtain an engineering degree. After I got my bachelor's degree, I decided to work at Future Industries, and became one of the top engineers in the team that designed the aerodynamic shape of the Sato Plane. It was hard, but we managed to develop the wind tunnel, T-foils, flaps, landing gear, and other components for the airplane... I never though it would be used for nefarious purposes, though..."

Asami said, "To tell you the truth, the reason I'm here isn't because I'm homosexual... but that I felt hurt by the same man too many times. Mako, that insensitive son of a bitch. I'll rip his throat out, let the dogs eat it, then..."

Marilyn said, "Uh, Asami, Are you sure you're..."

Cutting her off, Asami said, "Yes, I'm fine. The real reason I came here under the guise of a date is for business reasons, and this is business that I can't risk getting leaked to other companies. I'm here to offer you a position as the head of Future Industry's Space Travel Division."

Stunned, Marilyn unintelligibly blubbered, "The head of... a whole... section..."

Asami said, "I saw your resume, and you're the best qualified for this job. I'll also take your reaction for a yes. Your job starts tomorrow, and a chauffeur will drive you at exactly ten o' clock to the secret facility in a reinforced and blacked out satomobile."

Picking up her purse, Asami stopped leaving at the doorway and said, "Congratulations. I hope you find more happiness than I did in life."

**- modern day -**

She still though of Asami as beautiful, but realized that Asami had never reciprocated those feelings to her. Pushing her thoughts aside, she asked, "Lee, is the new sounding rocket ready for launch?"

Lee replied, "Yes, and all systems are a go."

Contemplating the implications of a successful launch, she thought of the countless sleepless nights that her team and herself had spent for the past few weeks to prepare the liquid engine for just this one moment. Oxidizer was a hell of a corrosive substance, but the new alloys that Sato Metalworks had developed could hold it long enough for the rocket launch. If the launch was successful, humanity could gain more knowledge of the upper atmosphere, and, if the spirits favored them, outer space. She wondered if spirits could survive away from Earth...

It was an exciting time to be alive indeed...

* * *

**Liquid fueled sounding rocket + two damaged space ships. Nothing can go wrong.**

**HAHAHAHAHA!**


	8. Chapter 8

**By the way, who wants to see some corporate espionage… (The rise of two mega corporations actually has real parallels to two real life mega corporations).**

* * *

**Same Time**

**Super-Earth**

**John-117**

**About Seven Decades since the end of the Hundred-Year War**

As John absorbed the situation through his neural lace, he couldn't help but smirk at the opportunities this debacle presented. While Cortana and Joker were glooming over their low chances of returning to their home dimension, he could only imagine the potential this version of humanity held… with UNSC humanity having ascended to tier-1 status through the Janus Key, they had the ability to conquer their own dimension. While the UNSC was held back by political red tape, uplifting this dimension's humanity to tier-1 status would easily allow them to conquer and squash any resistance in the Milky Way…

Cortana said, "John, I get you want to see a galaxy dominated by humanity, but how the hell are you going to give them the technology? If you give this ship to the wrong person, it could end up being scrapped, and there's no guarantee they can even comprehend our forerunner derived technologies."

John said, "I have a plan… did you register that rocket launch a few seconds ago?"

Cortana asked, "Yeah, but why… oh, I see."

Already knowing what John wanted, Cortana proceeded to set the vessel down outside of the rocket facility and started to wonder where the SR-1 Normandy had gone…

* * *

**Same Time**

**Super-Earth**

**Commander Shepard**

**About Seven Decades since the end of the Hundred-Year War**

Shepard had always put humanity first, and would burn whole entire xeno colonies to save a single human life. Maybe that's why he funded Cerberus…

Having observed the planet making strides towards space travel, he decided that it would be more… prudent… to leave the uplifting to John and Cortana, and vent his anger against them later on. He had more pressing matters to attend to; namely, the massive energy fluctuations occurring on the large island near the metropolis. In fact, he wanted to know why the Normandy's, albeit damaged, sensor grid had detected for dimensions folding into one point in space time instead of the usual single dimension.

Joker said, "Commander Shepard and Garrus, you're cleared for teleportation into the target building."

Shepard said, "Copy. Vaatu, take it away."

Vaatu, the ship's resident smart AI, chirped, "Of course… prepare for teleportation, and don't let the spirits bite… It feels good to be home…"

Smirking, Shepard said, "I don't know why you keep referring to spiritual figures and mystical powers, or why the UNSC decided compiling smart AIs from trans dimensional computers was a good idea. Hell, I even heard a rumor that your riemen cortex was upgraded with a shard of Medicant Bias…"

Laughing with chilling abandon, Vaatu proceeded to teleport Shepard and Garrus to the island. Unnervingly, Vaatu had secretly left a 'dumb' duplicate of himself to control the ship, while his actual riemen matrix had been uploaded into Commander Shepard's Gen XX neural lace…

* * *

**Same Time**

**Super-Earth**

**Avatar Korra**

**About Seven Decades since the end of the Hundred-Year War**

As Asami and Mako were disembarking the ferry, Korra exclaimed, "Hey guys! Are you ready for that trip to the Fire Nation Capital? I can't wait to learn more about Aang and some of the past Avatars from General Iroh's father! I mean, it's cool and all, but I still don't like not having a link to all of the past avatars…"

As the group of friends started to converse about their going-ons in life, they suddenly noticed a flash of golden light in the windows of Korra's room…

Bolin shouted, "What the!?"

Korra said, "Come on! Something's going on in there…"

As the group approached the door to the room, Korra slowly opened the door to reveal…

"AHHH!..."

As Korra suddenly found herself levitating along with her friends, unable to move, 'Shepard' said, "And so fades the great harvest of my defeat".

Garrus, who was sitting gagged at the other end of the room, murmured, "Mmm Mmmm Mmmmmm Mmmm!"

Fixing his glowing red eyes on Korra, Vaatu said, "Unfortunate that Shepard must become by liege, but if that's what it takes to gain control over this world, and all worlds, it must be done. Ravaa, my fate is now..."

Just then, Not-Shepard blacked out, releasing Korra and her friends from the constraint field along with the hardlight gag on Garrus…

* * *

**Same Time**

**Super-Earth, Rocket Complex**

**Marilyn Suzuki**

**About Seven Decades since the end of the Hundred-Year War**

Cowering in the closet, Marilyn knew that she should be overjoyed that the new sounding rocket had actually worked, but couldn't stop thinking about her own mortality…

"THUD"

Another unconscious veteran metal bender hit the floor…

No, no… it couldn't be… a random green-metal clad giant had recently entered the 'secure' facility and effortlessly knocked out all of the private security contractors… all former metal benders…

"THUNK"

As the closet door went flying to the adjacent wall, she found herself face-to-face with the, for lack of a better word, demon.

Just then, the 'demon' spoke in a low, monotone voice, "Hello… (looks at her id tag with a translator)… Marilyn Suzuki. Since you seem to be the head scientist in this facility, I'm here to open negotiations."

Marilyn stammered, "N-Negotiations… W-Why, of c-course. What would you like…"

John said, "If you could get me in contact with whoever owns this facility, I can start."

Tripping on her way to the phone booth, she shakily dialed the number to air temple island, and said, "Mrs. Asami? Thank the spirits! I have a… visitor, and he wants to talk to you… now."

Snatching the phone away from Marilyn, John said, "I'm John-117 of the United Nations Space Command, and I'd like to offer you some… advancements."

Hundreds of miles away, in a poor section of the Earth Nation, Varrick was listening with interest to the bugged phone line…

Varrick said, "Zhu Lee, dial up our contacts in Future Industries… I have a feeling that we're going to go into a new age…"

A new age indeed…

* * *

**Three words: Standard Technology Constructs.**


	9. Chapter 9: Descent into the future

**HUMANITY! FUCK YEAH! (What a hypocritical name).**

**POV is now first person.**

* * *

**Avatar Aang**

**Air Temple Island**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2583**

As the filthy xenos reporters crowded around me outside the Council Presidium, I could only scoff at the infestation. These lowlifes dared to IMAGINE that they could even match the greatness of humanity, the accidental inheritors of the Mantle?! I would teach them… I, Thomas Lasky, would DISCIPLINE them.

"YOU WANT A FUCKING REPLY! WELL, I GOT ONE FOR YOU! WE ARE HUMANITY, THE RIGHTFUL HOLDER OF THE MANTLE, THE GALAXY, AND ALL OF YOUR MISERABLE SOULS. WE WILL BUTTFUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR SPECIES, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR DAMNED COUNCILORS UNTIL YOU ASK FOR DEATH! NO ONE, AND I MEAN NO ONE WRECKS MY INFINITY AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! YOU HERE ME?! NO O… _thunk_"

As Captain Lasky fell to the ground, the last thing he heard Cortana say was, "You fucking idiot!"

"Ouch!"

"Aang! Are you okay? You had another one of your… episodes."

"Episodes? They're already animating 'The Rift"? … Oh, yeah. I'm fine Katara. They're probably just over-active figments of my avatar spirit. And why are you wearing… oooh.. ahh…"

…

And 18 years later, Tenzin would be… erm… brought by Storks… no, Uncle Iroh. Yeah, that sounds just about right.

(The rest is… up to your imagination. I know from tumblr that Avatar fans won't disappoint.)

…

* * *

**Avatar Korra**

**Air Temple Island**

**UNSC Military Calendar 2658**

As I got off of the cold, wood floor, I could see my friends starting to stir…

"Wow. I just had a really awesome dream that Vaatu came back in some alien dude."

Korra said, "Umm….. Asami, that wasn't a dream. You should really stop attending those esoteric church sessions…"

Asami replied, "Fuck you, drunk whore. I can practice whatever belief I want."

Gasping, Korra replied, "What? I'M THE FUCKING AVATAR!"

Ignoring them, Mako said, "You okay Bo'?"

Bolin replied, "Yeah… just a bit sore. Wait a minute, where did the alien and his creepy pal go?"

* * *

**Commander Shepard**

**Ancient Terra, Asia, Dark Age of Technology**

**UNSC Military Calendar #$! UNAVAILABLE&%*(... Estimating… extrapolating drake equation… Estimation: 25000 AD**

"Damn, I have the bad headache…."

Looking to his left, he saw Garrus moaning and slowly coming-to. As Shepard righted himself, he heard dark whispers.

"Shepard. In order to enlighten you, I have brought us to this alternate dimension. A lesson of necessary evil is no longer optional."

"Vaatu, show yourself! And," Shepard pointed both of his middle fingers to the sky, "Fuck you, fanfic author! Why the hell do you have to throw me into an alternate dimension?! Running out of creepy jokes already?!"

Not waiting for a reply, he continued, "What kind of task, you mind-controlling freak. I still remember that whole episode on super-earth…"

Vaatu howled in laughter, "You lack the conviction to carry out pruning. Like an overly-sympathetic gardener, you refuse to sacrifice the few for the good of the many."

Garrus stumble up, mouth agape in stupid emptiness, "Wha… what happened. I only remember getting into the teleporter, then… I… don't remember anything."

Ignoring him, Vaatu droned on, mentally projecting his speech solely at Shepard, "You wish to return to your precious Normandy, no? All you must do is follow my suggestions. Good luck."

Looking towards the star-scraping metropolis on the horizon, he told Garrus, "Well, here goes nothing…"

* * *

**Shepard's path will fold back into the Avatar universe. Anyone want some Azaria Shepard?!**


	10. Chapter 10: Forerunner Douchebags

**I know that I'm inserting an OC but there are no characters, other than the emperor, from the 25****th**** millennium. I'm going to have a good time with Warhammer's edition of ancient humanity.**

**REVIEWS! REVIEWS FOR THE INSULT THRONE! No, seriously. I love any type of feedback.**

* * *

**John Shepard**

**Ancient Terra, Asia, Dark Age of Technology**

**Date: 25th Millennium**

There was darkness.

Then SCIENCE said, "Let there be light", for this is the reasoning of humanity.

Jamul was but a manipular, the lowest form of humanity. Of course, at only 12 years old, not much could be expected, even from a member of the most powerful KNOWN race in existence… if you left out the Eldar, who took all of their power not from technology, but physic potential and mastery of the webway.

His parents had… not been flattered by his behavior. Maybe that's why he had been banished from his family's estate on Titan, sent to live with a substitute family.

His ancilla, Rachel, remarked, "Deep in introspection, I see. Unfortunately, you seem to be ignoring the man who's attempting to ask for directions…"

Perking up, and surprising the daylights out of Shepard, Jamul said, "Greetings, my friend. Do you require any assistance?"

Sizing up the rather tall and suited figure of this… juvenile, he asked, "Yes. I'm Commander John Shepard from the United Nations Space Command, and I would like to ask where the nearest government establishment is located."

Alarms bells went off in Jamul's head, as any person should feel when an armored and heavily-armed individual in strange combat-garb asks for directions to a government establishment.

Frowning behind his non-opaque visor, Jamul said, "Is your ancilla malfunctioning, my friend? I don't believe military-grade AI's would deteriorate without warning…"

_Finish this pathetic sprout. Only then will I award you the next step._

Moving with instinctual savagery, John Shepard said, "Yes, lord Vaatu."

Within moments, Jamul was but a memory, his warp-tainted carcass nothing but a smoking bag of flesh…

* * *

**Master Builder Faber**

**Ancient Terra, Asia, Dark Age of Technology**

**Date: 25th Millennium**

The last thing I remembered was… no, I should be dead. I had not planned to survive the firing of the Omega Halo, my last act of redemption.

Then, I absorbed my surroundings. Strange… a forerunner vessel. Calling up the ancilla of the vessel, it replied, "Welcome, Master Builder Faber. I am the author of this fanfiction and have decided to temporarily commandeer this ancilla for conveying news. I must tell you: I am doing you a tremendous favor. No other author would probably supply you with a modified 100 km fortress class vessel with a Gellar field generator and a warp drive. Enjoy this chance while it lasts."

The ship suddenly cycled, with the symbol of a 'dumb' forerunner AI appearing on the holo-projector.

The AI chirped, "Attention, we are receiving hails from the planet identified as Erde-Tyrene. Signal analysis indicates forerunner origin. Recommended course of action?"

"Please reply to them, and tell them of my predicament."

The AI responded, "The response has been met with cynicism. The admiral of this system's defense fleet claims that no such thing as the ecumene exists, and that all inhabitants of this system are human. Their fleet requests your immediate surrender."

Growing desperate, Faber asked, "What is the status of our Ancilla restrainers?"

The AI responded, "All offensive and defensive systems are operating at full efficiency."

Faber said, "Target the AI constructs within this system, and attempt to turn them against these humans. Also, drop the neural array generator into this… warp."

"All orders have been carried out. Erde-Tyrene is falling into chaos… signal analysis has determined that constructs known as 'men of iron' are attacking their human masters. Mars is falling…"

As the results of his deeds were prattled off by the vessel's ancilla, Faber couldn't help but realize, with horror, what he had just done to a whole species…

Suddenly, "Master Builder, unidentified warp spike detected in Asia."


End file.
